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The 37-year-old model has yet to speak out on the Playboy founder's death. Now, ET looks back at their time together.

Features EXCLUSIVE: 'Survivor' Contestant Jeff Varner In His Own Words: Outing Zeke Smith and the Shame That Followed.

EXCLUSIVE: 'Survivor' Contestant Jeff Varner In His Own Words: Outing Zeke Smith and the Shame That Followed. THE MOMENTThat breezy June night in Fiji, I walked into tribal council. I took. What. happened after I sat down is still a blur. I’ve blocked most of it out and have. But there are moments from that. The shame circle. For about an hour during that tribal.

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I sat in the middle of a group of people who’d been lying to me for. I heard their voices screaming at me.

I. saw their faces contorted with pain. Tears in eyes. Fingers pointing at me. Many. fingers. I felt bolts of anger and contempt hit exactly where they were. It came from all directions, tearing down the walls I’d spent. I’d stored inside for 5. I have never been more vulnerable than I was in those moments.

I also remember leaving, walking down a lonely spotlit path. I’d given almost 1. What did I just do?,” “Why. I do that?,” “I deserve to be shot” and other shards of self- abuse thrashed. A desperate, starving and sleep- deprived soul cowering.

I also remember falling into the arms of Dr. Liza Siegel. the show’s psychologist. She’s the force we’ve come to trust to help smooth. As Zeke went back into a game with. I walked away in shock and shame. Watch Idiots And Angels Online Freeform.

I had opened a man’s life to discrimination and danger, something I never. Two lives that would be rocked forever now. One toward a frightening future and the other.

I was not OK. For days, I sat in my shame, finding it very difficult to. It took a few days to sink in.

I ruined someone’s life, but in a few months the world was. The fear and pain was too much to bear. Thank God for. Dr.

Liza, who kept me occupied with therapy sessions, writing assignments. You. Tube videos on shame, some really good Fijian food and seeds of hope that. I would stop abusing myself and start to forgive.

People who make mistakes. And that forgiveness, though it was nowhere in. It’s a notion I would struggle with for months. Before I left Fiji, I wrote Zeke a letter. Laced with. apology and pain, I offered the few words I could find. I had no idea how he. I couldn’t even imagine what was happening in his innermost thoughts and. When you’re on that island you can easily lose sight of the real world.

I feared for him as he began to process a brave new life he. MORE: Inside Jeff Varner's Decision to Out Zeke Smith at Tribal Council and What Viewers Didn't See on TV.

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